"This is the blog I will be using to completely destroy and rebuild my views on the Bard as I journey through text after text, play after play, and so on and so forth. Prepare yourself, dear Sir William, for a rebuttle full of crazy sadness, humor, and reflection during the few months I shall be indulging in your fancies. I expect you to shed a tear, Shakespeare."
April 18, 2012
8:42 pm
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DAUGHTERS 1&2 (Goneril and Regan):
We’re sadistic and selfish. We love you, father. Give us all your land?
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LEAR:
OK! Here. You really love me?
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GONERIL and REGAN:
Syke! We’re gonna take your kingdom from you now. Tata!
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LEAR:
Nooooooo!!! I lost everything!
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CORDELIA:
I care about you, father. But I don’t think I can love you with my whole heart…. I will "Obey you, love you, and most honor you.... Haply, when I shall wed, that lord whose hand must take my plight shall carry half my love with him." (1.1.98-102)
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LEAR:
Banished!
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CORDELIA:
What?! Why?!
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LEAR:
You don’t love me with all your heart.
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CORDELIA:
(as guards drag her away) But I was faithful to yooooooouuuuu…..!
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LEAR:
Fool, come hither.
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FOOL:
You’re a crazy-ass man. But I love you. "Why, this fellow has banished two on's daughters and did the third a blessing against his will. If thou follow him, thou must needs wear my coxcomb."(1.4.99-102)
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LEAR:
Ha. You make me laugh. Let’s go seek refuge with my loving daughters.
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FOOL:
I don’t think you get it.
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KENT (disguised as Caius):
Hey, king! Can I join you in your quest?!
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LEAR:
Sure, you’re cool.
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KENT:
Awesome.
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FOOL:
Hey… aren’t you that one guy the King banished?
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KENT:
Shhhhh!
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(at Goneril's house)
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LEAR:
Hello, Daughter 1! Can I stay here?
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GONERIL:
Oh. It’s you. No, go away.
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LEAR:
"Blasts and fogs upon thee! Th'untended woundings of a father's curse pierce every sense about thee!" (1.4.297-300) And a bunch of other terrible things!
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GONERIL:
Aww…. Get out.
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(at the house of Regan)
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REGAN:
Ew, it’s you.
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LEAR:
What?
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REGAN:
Get out, you’re gross. Go away. Crazy man….
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CORNWALL (Regan's husband):
Yeah, get out. Hrr hrr.
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GONERIL:
Oh, hello! Hi, honey (makes out with CORNWALL)
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REGAN:
(oblivious) Make our father leave. He’s a disgrace.
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LEAR:
A POX ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES!
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FOOL:
Wrong play, your majesty.
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KENT:
The metaphor still stands! (beats a dude up) And awaaaaayyy!!!
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(LATER)
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LEAR:
I’m crazy, my daughters hate me, and my fool left to go somewhere. Flower child time! (puts on some random greenery) Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope…. Like butterflies….
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CORDELIA:
Father, I’ve come to rescue you!
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LEAR:
Yay!
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GONERIL and REGAN:
Put them to death.
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LEAR:
Awww…. "Come, let's away to prison. We two alone will sing like birds i'th'cage... and laugh at gilded butterflies...." (5.3.9-14)
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REGAN:
Haha, this is fun! (drinks stuff) Ew, what the blazes is this?
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GONERIL:
Poison. I’ma steal your man, now.
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REGAN:
Damn…. (dies)
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GONERIL:
Oh! I gotta go get stabbed off-stage. See ya! (goes off to die)
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LEAR:
Hey! You guys! My REAL daughter, Cordelia, is dead, "And my poor fool is hanged! No, no, no life? Why should a dog, a horse, a rat have life, and thou no breath at all?"(5.3.311-313)…. I… I can’t go on…. (dies)
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FOOL:
Well. That didn’t end well.
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KENT:
Yeah. If you had stuck around, maybe Lear would still be alive.
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FOOL:
Hmm…. Naw, probably not.
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KENT:
Hey... didn't you get hanged?
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FOOL:
... Lear lies all the time. He's crazy, you know....
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EDGAR:
"The weight of this sad time we must obey;
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Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.
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The oldest hath borne most; we that are young
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Shall never see so much nor live so long." (5.3.329-332)
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(END)
